Fallout: New Vegas - Dead Money

2026-09-22
So what if I got a fucked up necklace that explodes if I even look at one of the radios that seem to be in every fucking room? Or that I'm in a dilapidated casino whose perma-brown pallor is only broken up by the red of poison gas, which also kills me? Or that said casino is only inhabited by either unkillable holograms or exactly two variants of knockoff-STALKER enemies called "ghost people"? I don't care, man. I got banned for winning too many chips against a hologram in a tuxedo (one of the ones who don't literally turn red when they see you and kill you with lasers) and now I'm rich as fuck. I now have an infinite supply of Stimpaks, which should hopefully stave off the emphysema from inhaling whatever sort of farts Elijah filled the Sierra Madre up with. I'm happy. Things are going swell.

And that's the thing about Dead Money: playing it stinks about as much as Elijah's irradiated Cram pants-destroyers. Walk into a room and hear a beep-beep-beep. Oh good, there's a radio I have to press A on or a radio I have to shoot or a radio that--nope, that one's red. I guess I'll just go fuck myself. If that doesn't put a smile on your face, how about a different unkillable pest, the hologram? Have them endlessly chase you around until you find their little fucking garden-light orb on the wall or ceiling or up your own ass.

I get it, we're waltzing into the Sierra Madre overleveled as fuck and the designers wanted to even the playing field. Take all your shit, make you utilize a new form of currency, and craft up what you need by scrounging around. It's the classic "Let's reset the power-creep in the late game." Here's the thing--fuck that design choice. I like being powerful. I busted my ass genociding grimy-faced raiders and clipping Cazador wings for a couple caps. I already paid my dues, motherfucker. Now you're telling me I gotta beg for scraps from a glowing soda machine?

I don't think wandering through a mostly linear maze of the same blown-out buildings over and over while having my feet repeatedly blown off by mines or ripped off by bear traps is a good time.

But Dean Domino is a good time. A voice like buttery silver despite him looking like anthropomorphized jock itch in a dirty tuxedo. Helps he's voiced by a Skeksis from The Dark Crystal and delivers the smarmiest, "Now This Is Acting"-ass performance I've heard in a long time for a deeply evil and sad man who is just jealous of a rich nice guy.

And Dean's just one of several of the game's absolutely great characters. Dog/God's schizo, masochistic, arrogant fun, which answers the Baha Men with a new question: "Who let the Dog in?" Christine, who is just Obsidian showing off their writing chops by somehow making communicating with a mute through text fun. And Elijah. Actually, fuck Elijah. He's fine. Vocal performance is bonkers--thanks, Richard Herd--but it's really just the lore drops from him. Oblique references to places you haven't been but will go to. Another Courier? The Big Empty? Fuck it, I'm riveted, let's go. Oh wait, those holograms are red now. Lemme get my ass blasted out real quick.

I played this on my second playthrough of the game--shit, 14 years ago? And had it written down as dogmeat, poopy poop DLC. Coming back in 2026, I find I was only half right. The gameplay is No Good. But it's everything else--the vibe, the characters, the writing, the world-building--that makes you want to take a deep breath of Elijah's red (bloody?) farts. "Ah yes," I say, wiping the tears out of my eyes, "it's an acquired taste. But it's worth the pain."