Advance Wars 2: Black Hole Rising

2026-09-28
Advance Wars is in my DNA. I jumped right in, not having played a title in a decade, and my muscle memory is so strong I can predict the exact damage units will do. Artillery hits my Infantry in the forest: "Oof, that feels like they'll survive at a 3," I say to myself out loud, and they survive at a 3. Like Babe Ruth calling a home run except my home run is some jarheads getting pulverized by 155mm rounds and instead of being on the Yankees I'm on the toilet. We're back, baby.

I'm normally the guy who ass-blasts the main story as quickly as possible. I'm one of you Backloggd sickos, I got games to PLAY, no fucking dilly-dallying. But here I finished the first tutorial level after wiping the previous cartridge owner's data (get fucked) and immediately went into the War Room. Beasting Andy on Spann Island with Max was the real tutorial. Predatory gaze on my Analogue Pocket screen as I circle Andy's HQ with 4 Medium Tanks like my cat circling me with a bag of kibble in my hand. I squeeze an A-rating out of Andy's corpse and now I'm ready for the campaign.

I'm greeted by our favorite gang, the Black Hole army, returning. After invading the world and losing in the previous game, they have returned with their penis-shaped HQ to lose 34 missions back to back. Every battle begins with a CO dressed in all black, full of bluster and bravado, talking about how you're going to lose even though you'll literally never see them win once. They are a race of goth clowns and I love them.

And they brought with them a much better campaign. Sure, fewer tedious Fog of War missions go a long way, but it's also the variety. Between the new Lasers and Black Cannons shooting at us, Pipes blocking us, and Factories spitting out units, no two missions feel exactly the same. But it's also the cast. The original was Andy, Sami, and Max vs. The World, but here it's The World vs. Black Hole. You will play every non-goth CO along the way. Try a Russian boy who's inverse-Kanbei and whose oligarch-ass power pumps his bank account and lets him buy more of his already-cheaper-than-normal units. How about an old man in a leather body-diaper who can paradrop-spawn Infantry on every city he owns? Even when the game isn't introducing a new toy in the toolbox on the map, you're getting to fuck around with a new CO's bonuses and powers.

Really the only complaint is that some of the later maps can drag like a mf due to their sheer size. These are endurance matches instead of skill tests. Great Sea Battle took me 37 days, but I already knew I'd won by day 10. The rest was just a slow push against the tide of factory-farmed Black Hole troops.

But the important part is I won and handed an S-rating for the campaign. Immediately I popped over to the Battle Maps store to see what I unlocked and my eyes widened as I spotted Big Daddy Space Hitler, Mr. "Miss me with that Peace shit" himself, Sturm, sitting unlockable for a whopping 4,000 points. Yes, it turns out, your reward for crushing the campaign is a CO where every unit is at 120% firepower/defense and treats all terrain like it's a stroll in the park. Oh and also his power is a giant meteor that can basically vaporize a clumped-up army of expensive units. Welcome to Stomp The Baby mode.

So I took my new leather daddy to my favorite nightclub, War Room. Before finishing the campaign, I had just my one warmup where Max took the "A" out of Andy's name. But with Sturm I realized I was a god. His units are veritable demons walking the earth, his Infantry especially a scourge able to trek across entire mountain ranges in a single turn to capture scores of cities. Sturm was born by the S and he would only bring S's. With _ndy's A, I soon had what I had been seeking: ASS. The whole ass.

At some point after War Room map after War Room map, I came to with that morning-after clarity. What am I doing? I have other games to play. I already finished the campaign. I can't keep this side-map tryst with Sturm going on any longer. One day I wrote in my notes: "I think I'm gonna call it on this one. Still got the itch for more War Rooms." Two days later I wrote: "I played 3 more. I said I was done then cleared 3 more War Room maps. It is addicting to an impossible degree. This is genuinely the best strategy game I've ever played. Maybe only after Civ."

As a kid I was sure there was no way Black Hole Rising was better than the original. That was cope. A friend up the block had it, and my meager games budget wasn't going toward what looked like AW1 with Neotanks. Now I'm just scared Dual Strike will get dethroned as my favorite Advance Wars. The test will be whether I can fit a bigger ASSSSSSS spelled out across my DS's two screens.