Dark Souls

2026-03-07
For as visually spectacular as Anor Londo is it’s a terrifically uninteresting place. Very unmemorable areas you spend time actually playing in. Big cavernous barren rooms, empty hallways, narrow walkways. I mean half of it is in a bunch of small rooms full of Silver Knights hot-boxing each other, presumably between taking turns playing hide the Silver Knight Spear with the Titanite Demon in the back room. I mean really what are they all up to?

Then there’s that bedroom of like 4 Black Knights with a single bed. "Oh, sorry to barge in boys!" Was I interrupting something? They all had their armor on so I thought it was all cool but then they all jumped me. And then some guy named Gwyndolin made an illusion of his giant busty sister, invited me into his “Dark Moon” club so I could “punish sinners” with him, and then when I accepted his offer and walked through his little wispy gray door to say hello he attacked me. With laser beams. Shit is FUCKED up in Anor Londo, brother, let me tell you.

But that's why I decided to return to the lands of Lordran after being away since 2013. I've loved Miyazaki's brand of fuckery since I got sucked into Demon's Souls back in 2009. It's a funny place to come back to in your 30s when the last time you were here you were...shit, 22? My favorite part was to see what's changed and what's stayed the same since I last played. Obviously nothing has changed--that's a core conceit of these games' philosophy: it's one tightly designed stage where every enemy has their exact placement and behavior, and they're all just waiting for you, the lead actor, to show up and spring into action and let the play begin. But me, I've changed. Older, wiser, but slower, and paradoxically more patient in general but less patient with bullshit.

Let's start with what stayed the same then: I absolutely dunk on bosses. It's my favorite part of the game. It was smooth sailing the first time and it was smooth sailing this time. I still don't understand the hub-bub about Smough and Ornstein because I've only ever fought them twice in my life and I won both times. I lay Ornstein down on my knee, make him cry Uncle Gwyn, and then it's time to spank Smough's souped-up bubble-butt. I only died to three bosses more than once: Quelaag, Artorias, and--the one I died the most to with at least five deaths--the Taurus Demon. And it's comforting to know that while I smoothly sail through most of the bosses, the Taurus Demon just fucks my shit up every time I play this game. And also comforting in typical FromSoft fashion that while I think most of these bosses are a cakewalk, I find the Taurus Demon challenging even when most people probably find him to be one of the easiest.

There's a bunch of things that have stayed the same but my view on them has changed.

Walkbacks which were always bad are now awful. Monotonous, brainless fucking drudgery. Coming back after Elden Ring's Stakes of Marika it feels like watching a silent film after watching Interstellar.

Blighttown really isn't that bad and got (gets?) way too much hate. Whereas Valley of the Drakes--even as insignificant as it is, merely connective tissue between other more important zones--might have my least favorite encounter in the game. That one fucking drake after the big undead wyrm boy who is perfectly blocking the tiny walkway. Lightning breath that does far too much damage even near the end of the game. And if you try to run past him there's like a 50% chance his FromSoft autistic-hyper-tracking spins him around and his tail clips you and yeets you off the map. And then it's back to Firelink, back down the spiral staircase, yanking the lever to call the elevator, waiting for the elevator to come back, all while you weigh up all the wrong choices you've made in your life up till that point.

The wheel skeletons are the worst enemy in the game. That was a thought stored in the recesses of my brain. Flashes of pain a decade old etched into the synapses. It was a feeling more than a memory coming back. A dark space, many wheels, spinning wheels, death comes swiftly. And when I first encountered them my rugged, handsome 34-year-old mind took them slowly, patiently one at a time. I killed them all without dying. No problem I thought. Not bad at all. But I had miscalculated. I had missed one, and that Fast and Furious motherfucker ripped through an invisible wall and wheel'd me. Wheel'd me right to the grave. I had plenty of souls and I wasn't going to let some wheeler keep 'em so I went back. First mistake. I attribute this poor judgement to being late in a play session where my patience lessened and my tongue loosened, obscenities flying around the house with abandon, pulling my partner and cat into my Den of Toxicity. I must have died twenty more times. Always to a different wheel, always angry, always for a stupid reason. I can't even tell you if I got the souls back. I think at some point I cut my losses and moved on with my life. What little of it was left that the wheels hadn't stolen from me.

I also was a little bummed with the Strength build in this one. Don't get me wrong, takin' the boys to Bonktown with my Ooga Booga Great Club build was fun, but it didn't approach the sheer revelatory heights of hyperarmor-rampaging with the Meat Cleaver in Demon's Souls. Even in Elden Ring Strength builds felt incredibly powerful. Here it felt like I was doing the same damage as my tried and true full-Dex Uchigatana build but I was just...slower. I guess being able to block literally all damage with the Artorias Great Shield was a fun change from actually needing to learn bosses and time rolls.

It's rare when you get to go back to an older game you loved and find it to shine in all the ways you remember it. And more. Seeing even more clearly how much of Dark Souls is just a re-arranging and remastering of the core ideas of Demon's Souls is incredibly fascinating. Especially as it's continued to grow and shape an entire portion of the industry with it.

All of that is to say it's nice to come back and visit Anor Londo. I just picked up a souvenir tee shirt from a nice man in a suit of silver armor. It reads: "MY ASS JUST GOT BLASTED ON A FLYING BUTTRESS". The wife'll love this one.