OFF: A Nice Game For Cute Children

2026-08-29

Like Baroque this is a classic example of a "form over function" game, a game with great art and rubbish gameplay, that for vibes alone gets anointed as a landmark game. I hate to be cynical--no, that's wrong. I love to be cynical and I genuinely can't see this as anything other than "COOL WEIRD GAME ONLY HIPSTERS HAVE HEARD OF". And it has all the energy of a sneering hipster scratching their Civil-War-general-ass beard, telling you it isn't actually coffee if it's not a pour-over from humanely sourced beans. The developer who I can only assume fits this twat-y archetype--only wearing a greasy Final Fantasy shirt instead of a cardigan--is trying so, so hard to say "I'm different." To say, "Yes I understand traditional video game tropes and I'm going to flip them upside down, and isn't that so interesting?" It is not. You have made a hollow, predictable story that acts like it's finally going to--after hours of wafting dread and surreal worldbuilding in our direction--say something and then doesn't.

But hey you did make some cool ass art. That shit pops off. Weird cats with too many teeth, corpulent bureaucrats barreling at you, faux-historical pictures depicting the alien logic of whatever this place is. Yeah, I can immerse myself in that shit. And I did. Especially with that soundtrack. Moody, odd, occasionally bumpin'. For several hours French whispers in the background made me feel like I dropped a tab on Saint-Laurent in Montreal. And while narratively it is bordering on worthless, the words underpinning that faulty construct are sound, and sound delightful. Especially our guide, The Judge, "Your iron volition may result in the occasional critical strike. This will cause teeth to fly in heaps, I'm sure." Excellent indeed, my dear sportive companion.

Yes, sir, you certainly did check the Style box, but how about Substance? Well, if you'll kindly look at the evaluation form I've handed you I've drawn a picture of goatse for that area. Amazingly, this re-released version had all the combat and level-ups completely rejiggered to make them more engaging. And they ended up with the same ol' "auto attack and buy the best equipment to scrape by" formula as a JRPG from 30 years ago. If only they had some sort of auto-battle mode. Oh, there was one in the original, removed as part of the "improved" combat? Mission Accomplished! But don't forget the puzzles, which are half-ass, 50% butt. I only vaguely got the first one. Second one was a phone pad puzzle. For which the game offers not even a whiff of a hint. These puzzles have no internal logic at all. I ended up looking up every single one and each time, even with the answer in hand, I was left saying one phrase.

"Oh For Fucksakes". That's what OFF stands for I realized. That's what you'll say after you get bored of the combat almost immediately and then hit the next random battle. What you'll say when you hit a needlessly winding labyrinth that only serves to waste your time. Or see yet another phone pad puzzle. And as you utter that sacred phrase over and over, your patience long having drifted into the ether, your sanity soon to follow, you still might marvel at the art, the monster designs, the music. And just as I finish the final boss and say "You know, that wasn't that bad," I see the True Ending cutscene I spent an extra hour unlocking. And it's turns out to be nothing but a big joke at my expense. Ha ha you really got me, dude! You're bucking all the established norms! A real cowboy! I take the evaluation form and point at goatse, the tip of my finger resting on that infamous, cavernous anus. "This is you," I say to the developer. "You're the Butthole Man."