Gex

2026-03-11
The first quote on the back of the PS1 jewel case for Gex is “HBO comedian Dana Gould fuels GEX with over 300 hilarious one-liners and sound effects”. The first thing I have written down in my notes is “Yeah Dana Gould can shut the fuck up.” The “comedy” on offer here is in one word: “abysmal.” In three words: “tragic fart water.” I don't think I laughed once, except when a line was so incoherent it wrapped back around to being funny again. My two favorites share the exact same format and neither one makes any fucking sense:

“This place is weirder than the 4th of July at Rick James' place.”

“This looks like an all-nighter at Richard Simmons' house.”

It’s just an endless parade of “Hey, remember THIS thing” as they feel the need to rattle off references to Star Wars, Indiana Jones, Dick Clark, and Full House.

That’s not to say the rest of the game is awful. Shit, no, that’s not right. It is awful. I mean ok I liked the very 90s art and the music which is weirdly fun with the jungle track with its repetitive vocal samples that sounds like they would fit into a Mad Decent moombahton release in 2012, or the Toonland level theme that lowkey rips in that early 90s rock band way, or even the 80s jazz fusion infused Rezopolis theme with its spacey breakdown 2 minutes in.

But the rest of the time when you’re not wiping the blood dripping out of your ears from Dana Gould’s vocal onslaught you’re dealing with the kludgy, floaty platforming. Gex doesn’t control horribly but he doesn’t control well. And that’d be fine if halfway through the game they didn’t invalidate the whole 3-hits-and-you-die system by covering levels with insta-death traps fucking everywhere. There’s one level at the end of Rezopolis that is legitimately half death-water and if the tip of Gex’s stupid fucking tail grazes the top of it you get sent back to the level select screen. And I made it through the whole gauntlet and I’m sitting above the exit for the level and the controls bugged out and Gex fell into the water anyway. I’m surprised my PS2 controller survived this game.

I honestly loved Gex 3 as a kid so it terrifies me that Gex 1 almost immediately filled me with loathing. Maybe the jump to 3D made it more fun. And maybe–I pray–they killed off the writer after the first game. I have high hopes my nostalgia won't be dashed immediately upon returning — but I’d say the odds are high I’m going to lose my sanity, hearing, or several controllers in the process.