God Hand

2025-06-19
The one thing they don't tell you about God Hand is how funny it is. Why is there a man dressed up like a Buddhist monk with a Mexican accent named Elvis? Why does the whole game seem like it's set in an old timey Western town and then in a cutscene you see a charter bus drop off a gorilla in a luchador outfit? And the only thing Gene can think of to say is "You're not human, are you?!" to which the ape makes confused noises and pantomimes "Who me"? Why is the stun combo move for women just "Spanking"? Why is there a level called "Japan's Elite Obese Ninjas"? The answer is--of course--that God Hand is genius. It is a game made by geniuses for geniuses.

It is also really a game about being a huge asshole. You play Gene. Gene is a dickhead. First scene, first lines:

Gene: "Wait, you don't expect me to mop up here do ya?"
Olivia: "C'mon those guys are cake."
Gene: "Not to mention much sexier than you."

Gene is constantly bullying people. To Elvis "You need to feed your brain not your ass." After some mini power rangers do a whole extended intro his only response is "Douchebags." To the demon lady Shannon "I always seem to exceed women's expectations." "You've certainly exceeded mine." "Ah yes, another satisfied customer." I couldn't ask for a better protagonist.

When Gene's not verbally abusing people he's physically abusing them in the most delightful way possible. Think Devil May Cry except you can customize what each of the face buttons you press do PLUS tank controls because the right analogue stick is for dodging. Yeah that's right dodging with an analogue stick. And it works superlatively. Kick coming in high? Flick the stick forward to juke. Need to just get the hell out? Flick the stick back to do a backflip. And the customizable buttons mean there's a whole angle of creativity and experimentation going on as you play and learn. It all culminates in a curve of "What the fuck are these controls? How do I stop getting hit over and over?" to cackling with glee as you stunlock enemies, juggle them indefinitely, or just cheese the fuck out of them with Drunken Fall. It is a game that is built to be mastered and broken in a way very few games succeed to do.

There's nothing better than a game living up to its hype (especially when a physical copy runs $150) and there are genuinely few games better than God Hand. It is the pure fun of Devil May Cry's combat elevated and heightened with customization paired with Capcom's penchant for absurd slapstick comedy. It's like a game made for me. And I'm only sad I've only played it now. Well, happy to join the club.