Grand Theft Auto V

2026-06-19

I had Grand Theft Auto V down as 9/10 once. I want that on the record up front, because I'm about to spend the rest of this telling you not only is it not great, it's my least favorite GTA. And you deserve to know you're hearing it from a man who's already 180'd on the game before. I picked it up on PS3 back on release day--I still have to look at the copy on my bookshelf to really believe I did play it on PS3--and bailed maybe halfway through the story. It took me eight years to crawl back and finish the thing in 2021--and I loved it. In 2026 I can tell you I was right the first time.

Here's the thesis, and the note I scrawled to myself said to open and close on it: GTAV might be the greatest engine ever built, and it's got only a mildly interesting game sitting on top of it. The detail is real. I stole some guy's car, clipped him with it pulling away, drove clear across the map to a mission, came back out and there was a blood smear on the hood. Persisted the whole time I was gone. Lined up exactly with where I hit him. That's the simulation of reality I dreamed about as a kid, and Rockstar actually built it.

And then they wasted it. Three hot-swappable protagonists sold as a revolution, and it's three flavors of turd ice cream: Michael's a bore, Franklin's a dope, Trevor's turbocringe and he was turbocringe back in 2013 too. Too linear. Too in love with its own set pieces. So far up its own ass with that cynical wank writing it forgot to be a place you'd actually want to be. We get it, you're a depressed rich 40 year old, Dan Houser. Every woman is a cheating wife, every daughter a whore, every son a failure. But if you're going to make it depressing at least make it have heart.

There's no Niko Bellic in here, no pathos. No Grove Street, no Ryder, no CJ, no ripping burgers to get fat, no spamming bench press reps to get swole, none of that RPG freedom. Even the heists--the whole pitch--are linear--albeit dazzling--hallways with a fork or two.

You know what the best part of GTAV is? GTA Online. And you know what the best part of that is? Cops and robbers. Roleplay servers. Shit the players made up. The single finest thing about the greatest engine ever built is something Rockstar didn't build.

So I'm taking the 9 back. Greatest engine ever made, brother. Till GTA 6 comes out. Then it won't even be that.