Spongebob Squarepants: Supersponge

2025-06-11
In my mind the only violence that tops Cormac McCarthy’s Blood Meridian with its brutal murders and scalpings is the violence I witnessed as a child-then-teenager done to Spongebob Squarepants. Spongebob arrived in 1999 a cartoon with jokes that vacillated between stupid and erudite, yet always immaculately written and precisely timed. Above all else it never seemed to pander to children. It was a cartoon, not a cartoon for kids. What happened after the third season is a tragedy. Any nuance was pulverized viciously. Patrick who was the stupid friend with moments of wisdom and brilliance just became stupid. Squidward who was a pretentious idiot with delusions of grandeur became A Big Meanie. Spongebob himself was hollowed out into a husk, merely a host to transmit each episode's plot, his personality varying wildly and erratically like a bipolar with multiple personality disorder. This episode he’s intelligent, this one he’s belligerent and seemingly retarded. Even Tom Kenny’s voice changes to occupy a higher and higher register as if he is crying out to the audience for help, “Look what they’ve done to my boy!”

In 2001, well before Spongebob’s death knell, I got an indigo Gameboy Advance–still the most handsome console I’ve ever seen–and with it my first game for the system, Spongebob Supersponge. It is, in my spreadsheet of the 600-odd games I’ve played, the lowest rated game of all with a score 2. Out of 100. (I’m saving the 1/100 for the game so bad it causes me to kill myself, so 2 is effectively the lowest possible score.)

Even as a 10 year old I knew Supersponge was dogshit and as a 33 year old I can see it as the writing on the wall for the sponge’s demise. The writing manifests hollow facsimiles of the characters. Squidward’s first line is “It’s Sunday today Spongebob and no Krusty Krab. Whilst I am busy here why don’t you use this net for jellyfishing.” Beyond the first sentence not being a thing any human would say, the entire thing could be said by anyone. Except Squidward. Who wouldn’t say “Whilst” and certainly wouldn’t offer a jellyfish net to Spongebob. The last time he had a net it was forcibly penetrated through his entire hand by Patrick. And listen, if this was the PS1 version it’d be fine because even with its shite spin-off dialogue it’s at least voiced by the excellent original cast. But this is the GBA port baby so we just have to read this shit.

But hey we’re not here for the dialogue, the thing that makes those first three seasons sing in the first place, no no no. We’re here for the gAmEpLaY. Do you like platforming? Hope not cause this shit STINKS. It is the most by-the-book, GBA-port-ass game replete with collecting golden spatulas for no reason and jellyfish, because sure why not, and karate chopping “enemies”--including a just an unarmed fish in the first level which in the Spongebob mythos I’m pretty sure is second-degree murder–because that’s what Spongebob would do right? It’s so utterly mirthless I never made it past the first level. I went back a couple years ago and it’s exactly as bad as I remember.

This game made me actually sad as a 10 year old. A brand new console at that age should be the most exciting thing in the world and here I was stuck with Spongebob Supersponge feeling embarrassed I burned my allowance on an absolute turd. Well, at least we’ll always have those first three seasons.

10/18/2021
Fucking awful game. I apparently never even got past the first level it was so bad. I just tried playing it again today (10/18/2021) and YEAH it's bad. Legit just a bad platformer. The writing has nothing to do with Spongebob, barely has any of the voice of the characters right. Speaking of voices there's no voice acting which is half the draw of the show. It's a fucking piece of shit cash grab and wow look at that they legit sold 1 MILLION copies of it on PS1. What a mess. Fuck you no I'm giving this a 1.

2022-08-04
I'm now realizing this was definitely either the first game I had on the GBA or one of the first ones I had. This and like Sonic. Both so just bleh games. After coming off absolutely amazing games on the GBC I was just kind of bummed out by how not good they were. What's wild too is GTA 3 came out around the same time. And instead of having that (though I did eventually get it) I had this trash.