Crusader Kings III

2026-02-09
I dream of reincarnating the incredible, monstrous lineage Nate Crowley created in Gigaknight Exelsior. Of birthing a dynasty of superhumans chosen based on their extreme mutant characteristics and ruining the world in the process. And so with big eyes full of wonder I, a Crusader Kings neophyte, descended upon the overflowing trough of menus to learn how this wonderful medieval story generator wove its tales of intrigue and conquest.

And for a good several hours I was locked in sending my little European lord on his dalliances to spawn progeny or arrange murders and abductions to gain power. But at some point I had to tango with the combat. For my Civilization-based tastes the combat with its lack of depth instantly became pure tedium. For every sip of wine I’d take of the RPG side of CK3 I was forced to also down a shot of the dog-piss combat. Ceaseless declarations of war, territories stolen, armies amassing and invading. Brother, why are you at my border? I’m just trying to chat up the albino cutie from Denmark—something tells me she’s got giant children hidden in her veins—how about you depart from ye olde nutsacke post haste? But they never do.

It’s a shame that to engage with the truly unique and fun part of the game you have to roll around in the midden of generic Paradox grand strategy. And though my loins yearn to bring about an empire ruled by towering horrors with pagan beliefs, I just couldn’t be asked. Well, we’ll always have the legend of Gigaknight Exelsior.

???
I want to love this game but I just don't. I gave it like 6 or 7 hours. And I just can't get over the fact that half the game is combat. Tedious combat. The AI is always OP as hell it seems. They don't let you just chill and play the game. There's so many cool systems with intrigue, murdering people, trying to create a cool dynasty. But at the end of the day I end up just getting spammed to join wars or I get invaded. Or I invade someone and they have 80 alliances and I lose. Because I didn't spend all day planning alliances and shit. Yeah, man. Woof.