Metroid: Zero Mission

2026-02-15
As a Metroid noob I think my favorite part of Zero Mission was the lore: supersuit blonde lady with space-bird parents must defeat a space-brain while fucking up a dinosaur--who's actually a pirate but screams like a woman--and also some guy named Kraig.

In fact I loved most of Zero Mission. How fast, zippy, and absolutely crushable on a cross-country flight it is. The salivary-gland triggering sprite art. The almost-perfect pacing with continual upgrades, new areas, and minimal backtracking. The way Samus controls like a dream, jumping, shooting, spinning, and over, across, and under these alien landscapes. And don't even get me started on how it goes all Metal Gear at the end with a stealth section that crescendos with Samus ascending from wet tissue to adamantium dominatrix in one fell swoop.

There are some cracks in the crust of this snackable, flaky pastry of a game--at least for my delicate sensibilities. While the controls are overall excellent I found angling rockets to be lowkey maddening. I need to hold R and then hold L and then press Down and then press B to shoot a rocket down at an angle? C’mon, man, that’s fucking insane. And while the pacing usually goes down like a cold glass of lemonade on a hot day, occasionally I'd get stuck with no idea how to progress like an ice cube got stuck in my throat.

That and I'm new ‘round these parts, not yet a part of the Chozo Chosen, who can sense a hidden wall with a well-honed sixth sense. Which meant a fair few times I had to pull out my phone from the seatback pocket on the plane to figure out which secret wall I missed. Thankfully these hiccups were far enough between, and the rest of the level design and pacing so competent, that I never felt like I needed to stick to the guide for the rest of my time. Oh except for the Mother Brain fight. Getting stun-locked by unkillable turrets while continually dealing with Samus’ syrupy lava-jump. Even with plentiful save states on my Analogue Pocket I've had more enjoyable bouts of dysentery.

These are minor quibbles in the face of a masterclass in 2D game design. They truly don't make 'em like they used to. And really I'm just glad to be on the road to being one of the Chozo Chosen myself.