Pocket Card Jockey

2026-04-12
"You know what we should do after we ship another one of these dogshit Pokemon games? A solitaire horse racing game."

"You're right, we should do that. Right after I finish rendering the worst title legendaries you've ever seen for X and Y."

• A conversation at Game Freak probably.

And to be honest I'm a little let down. The concept of a "solitaire horse-racing game" from Game Freak sounds incredibly batshit. But in practice it doesn't really go beyond pleasantly brainless.

You fire it up and a little horse spams tutorials at you. He teaches you how to play the card game Golf, tells you about the Energy meter, horse positioning, horse speed, horse stamina, horse skills, horse moods. It all seems very complicated but, like any other game, you play a couple rounds and your brain builds an intuitive sense for the rules and logic. In no time you're card slangin' with a horse that's Blue Mood bangin'.

And yet you lose. You did everything right. And you lost. You realize even if you're a three-foot-tall, 60 lb, horse-riding god that your horse is tethered to their Speed and Stamina stats and that some races have you up against monstrous proto-Clydesdales with towering stats. In Growth Mode, you watch as your little horse's stats slowly creep up and then stop. And then the game introduces you to the concept of retiring and breeding.

They want you to retire this horse, train up another horse in Growth Mode through a bunch more races, retire that horse, play them both Marvin Gaye, and then the offspring might be that much closer to competing with the monster-hooves in Mature Mode. You do the math: how many offspring, how many races, how much time playing solitaire. All so you can win at a game you've already mastered. Pulling out my shotgun with tears in my eyes I say, "I think I'll pass." You hear a bang from the stable. And then silence.

Every time you win a big race they reward you with a trophy. You get sent to the trophy shed where there's arrayed a grid of slots for every possible race you can win in the game. When you get a new one it takes its rightful spot on the wall and a message reading "GOTTA GET EM ALL" flashes on the screen. My first thought was "Yeah we get it. You guys make Pokemon." And my second thought was "No no no, I'm not doing all of that." And yet while I'm absolutely not interested in the 20-hour long-game of Pocket Card Jockey, I still find the core loop addicting. Each race is a push and pull of making sure your horse doesn't get trapped behind slower horses, of making sure you clear the board of cards to max your horse's mood, of timing when to pass and when to follow other horses. And each one is like 10 minutes, a perfect fit for the 3DS' form factor. So I will keep playing. But I'm absolutely not arranging horse sex in my stables. Place already smells bad enough.