Half-Life: Blue Shift

2026-01-07
Your name is Barney Calhoun and you like exploring wet holes. Sludge filled sewer holes, drafty vent duct holes, pulsating orange alien holes, wormholes. Any hole will do. Barney ain't a picky man.

In fact it's his first day on the job. Barney's eager to prove himself because he only has two years of college under his belt and on the Black Mesa campus that makes him basically mentally disabled. And all the egg-headed scientists are happy to remind him of such. Full of arrogance and hostility even as their ridiculous, high-pitched, dweeb voices scream out in terror as they get splattered and gored at every turn. Don't forget Barney, these exploding meat sacks are paying your bills so get in that hole, bub.

Thankfully it's a game with puzzles befitting Barney's diminished intelligence. Try your hand at "hold E till the ladder comes down" or "hold E till the water rises" or, my favorite, "hold E till the small triangle is inside of the big triangle" (you get to do this one twice!). And yet even with my over-60 IQ I still got stuck over and over due to incredibly obtuse setups. I’m staring at a detonator with a cut wire knowing I need to complete the circuit to set off the explosives but there’s nothing around except some boxes and a barrel. Oh the answer is you think a big ass dirty barrel would provide a proper conductor to complete the circuit? Someone get me Gordon’s crowbar. I need to hit myself in the head a couple more times to get on the right mental wavelength.

At the end of the day it’s more Half-Life and that’s fine. It just lacks the rat-a-tat pacing of Opposing Force, instead opting to trip up any excitement with bumbling puzzles and flipping switches while waiting for a portal to open. I didn’t even find a proper assault rifle in my playthrough. That’s it, Barney, you’re demoted! I want you picking up cans in City 17.