Bioshock Infinite

2025-07-04
It's July 4th and what could be more patriotic than reviewing a game about American-nationalist, blimp-riding, cloud racists. Nothing! And if you disagree you've been huffing too many of the False Prophets farts I do declare, yes sah. Infinite is fittingly many things but forgettable certainly isn't one of them, an important quality for me in my decrepit senility (I'm 33). Out the gate we have an intro that is one of the best of any game ever, period, full-stop. From the moment that steampunk rocket pierces the clouds through to the moment Booker's excavating a man's brain from his skull with an electric ice cream scooper slash fidget spinner I was riveted. Yes, grandpappy Bioshock 1 was the poster child of mind-blowing intros back in its heyday at the onset of the 360 generation but somehow Infinite done one-upped it if you ask me. The visual splendor of Columbia does not end at the intro and the fucked up charm it holds, beefed up by all the world-building notes and terrifically voiced and written characters similarly punches at a level damn near Rapture levels. The beating heart of it all is Elizabeth, a companion with fantastic writing, a tremendous character development arc, and all tied together with some of the most charming animation I sometimes felt like I was being followed around by someone plucked from a Pixar movie. Well at least when her legs weren't clipping through the environment causing her to go goblin mode.

We could talk about how the combat has been further mollified to what is basically a shooter with cool abilities but who cares because the abilities are cool and it's still great fun and anyone who tells you Bioshock was an immersive sim to begin with doesn't know what they're talking about. We probably should talk about the plot which for 95% of the game I found excellent and engaging as you weave your way through this weird, knotty alternate US cloud-based ethnostate trying to figure out who the hell you are and why Big Beardy McRacistpants wants to kill you so bad. But 1) I wanna keep this review short and 2) for how delightful it is in that first 95% it absolutely disappears up its own time-travelling multiple-timeline fracturing, merging, coalescing, and destroying wankhole that I was left feeling kind of just bummed out at the end. Call me a simpleton but some part of me wishes they just dumbed it down to have a happy ending in Paris.

And yet despite those flaws it's one of the most interesting and fully realized game worlds ever crafted. And who doesn't like killing racists by shooting crows out of your arms while floating around in the clouds? Sure wish that's what I was doing today on this July 4th.